If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.