Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes