Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
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If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle