How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
The old gods are rising again.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Smooooooth
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE