Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.