Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
You Might Also Like
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
figuring out my emotional availability:
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full