I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
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who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
definitely did not do anything wrong
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2