Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?