I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”