The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Not my job 😂
i dont have time for this
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…