No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training