Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.