I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’d love this…lol
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief