Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
You Might Also Like
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
A choir of Spring onions
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t