ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what