It was worth a shot 😂
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Google reviews are always so mixed..
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings