Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.