Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam