Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My neck, my back, my…
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.