yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.