No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.