Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.