[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
You Might Also Like
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
The best plant holders?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own