I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Good morning, Twitter x
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Confused owl: What?!
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that