Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
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*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
rise and shine we got egg
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.