I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher