Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Yup
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?