I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.