It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Interior design 👌
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.