Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
You’ll be OK
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip