My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
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Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)