FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
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I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
🤔😂😂
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now