I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
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You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.