I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged