Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.