Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.