I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock