sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.