killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
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Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
fly smarter, not harder
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller