The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
my first dose meeting my second
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white