You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You Might Also Like
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.