I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
nature’s most graceful animal
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]