Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.