Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
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The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
so weird how every mom was born today
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.