Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
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(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk