Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring