NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
when you don’t want to be too vague
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.