Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.