Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
You Might Also Like
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.