Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Happy weekend !
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!